Deeanne Gist - www.deeannegist.com - Inspirational Romance Author

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Saver and Spender

My husband's a saver; I'm a spender. Don't know why. That's just the way it is. So last evening I felt really convicted about flippantly saying he was "going to kill me" when he received the bill for the glasses I purchased. (see yesterday's post)

Now I will confess, that early in our marriage I would skim money off the top of the bank account. I'd buy a dress without telling him, then hang it in my closet for several weeks. I would finally decide to wear it. He would ask where it came from and my reply would be "This old thing? It's been in the closet for ages!"

Well, let me tell you. That dress or pair of shoes or necklace or manicure or whatever it was, was simply not worth it. Because every time I did it, I was undermining the very trust upon which our marriage was built.

I will never forget the day he told me he needed (not wanted, needed) me to quit doing stuff like that. He looked me in the eye and said, "Make a commitment to me. Tell me you will never be dishonest in our finances."

My heart started beating so fast I thought surely it would come right out of my chest, because I knew. I knew that it was better to make no vow at all, then to make a vow and break it. I also knew that the relationship I had with him was the most important relationship I had, next to the one I had with God.

So, I vowed from that day forward to be honest with our finances. And that pair of glasses was no exception. I never, ever would have bought them if I thought it would anger him or that he would begrudge me the purchase. When he asked how my day went, I told him what I did and how much they cost.

Make no mistake, he was shocked. He wanted to know why they were so expensive. I made an educated guess, but the truth is, I thought they were overpriced, too. So, then I gave him my rationale: If you took that sum and divided it by 365 days (which is how often I would be wearing them), it made the price much more reasonable. His response?

"We have to buy another pair next year?!"

Only the lens, I reassured him. Only the lens. And only those if my eye-sight continued to decline. He absorbed all this, then picked up his toothbrush and began to brush his teeth. He wasn't angry. He wasn't pouty. He was informed.

If, however, he had asked me to return them, I might have resisted. Might have tried to work something out (no Starbucks for six months--something like that). But when push comes to shove, he's the head of the household. And if he says we can't afford it, then we can't afford it. I would have cancelled my order and picked something else out ... then put them on my birthday list or Christmas list or asked if we could save X amount of dollars each month towards them.

My point is this, girls. Please, please don't deceive your man. We have a long history of deception (read Genesis if you want to know just how far back this trait in our gender goes). And never, ever is it worth it. If it will cause trouble in the relationship, don't buy it.

I wish I knew some good books on how to work a compromise that would be acceptable to both you and your partner (because sometimes we just need that new dress). But I don't know of any. If you do, would you post the title and author?

In the meanwhile, the only book I can recommend you start with is the Bible. And it's pretty clear about this issue: Thou shall not lie.

posted by Deeanne at 7:52 AM

4 Comments:

ValMarie said...: Excellent post, Deeanne. I have to be super careful with our finances because my husband's put me in charge of the day-to-day making sure bills get paid and letting him know how much money we have to do certain things. And it can be easy for me to slip and not give him all the information about exactly what's going on with our money. So, this was really good for me to hear.
Barb said...: Why does this feel like a therapy session today?! I'd like to say that the compromises in our marriage have been a result of my servant heart and loving spirit. But I think they've been more due to the fatigue of old age, plus the grand patience of a good man. I finally developed such pity for him--that he married such an incorrigible woman--that I determined to show more appreciation to him for hangin' with me. Compromise is just another way to show appreciation. It's always interesting to me to hear of couples splitting for "irreconcilable differences," cuz opposites attract, and our marriage has been one long irreconcilable difference, albeit a relatively cheerful and nonviolent one. He's salty, I'm sweet; he wants fewer windows, I want more and bigger; I wanna take a crowd to dinner, he wants to go alone, with his wife. Books--not sure, tho I know there's one in the works called Married But Not Engaged--Why Men Check Out & What You Can Do to Recapture Intimacy, by Paul Coughlin. I'm guessing that will have some helpful stuff in it. Bethany House Publishers, as far as I know!
Deeanne said...: Don't get me wrong. Over-spending is still a constant temptation. But, like any other addiction, you get to chose what you are going to serve. The addiction or God Almighty.

And there are times when I don't try to negotiate with my husband over a purchase. I simply return it because it is more important for him to save that money than it is for me to spend it.

I've gotten to the point now that if I think it is something he would object to, I don't buy it. Because the very act of bringing it home puts pressure on him. And in turn, he tells me when we are all "caught up" and also when we need to tighten the purse strings (in order to save for Christmas or an upcoming vacation or medical bills or whatever.)

Best of all, he trusts me. Not just in the area of finances, but in all things. It's a wonderful thing, trust.
Susan said...: hmmm... sounds like me not too terribly long ago. The phrase, "this old thing" has really turned into more of a joke now. My sweetie knows that I won't pay full price for anything just because the item usually ends up on sale the following week & I usually have a coupon to go along with it ;-) I'm glad I've got into the habit of calling hubby when I see a good deal.

lol about the Starbucks. It's really important to us isn't it Dee??? I've given up things too for that just about daily vanilla latte and it was so worth it.